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Oct. 10th, 2010

you're a few years overdue

Today is my 20th birthday. I am no longer a teenager, yet I still don't completely feel like an adult. In this past year I have grown tremendously into the woman I've always envisioned myself becoming. It's also been exactly one year since my first kiss, that first sloppy drunken make-out. The one thing that started all the unnecessary DRAMA in my life, it was all overdue and a little rushed at times. I've had a lot of new and interesting experiences during my 19th year of life... some of it amazing and some of it not so much. Regardless, everything happens for a reason and I look back on everything with no regrets. I've managed to check-off every first that I could imagine... haha, well almost. I still haven't managed to trick some unlucky bastard into being my first boyfriend, but truthfully, I'm not THAT worried about it. I've come full circle and back to the girl that I used to be when I was eighteen. I have my drive and passion for life back. It's nice having it back, and finally being content and happy with living every single day. I'm not going to lie, somedays during my 19th year of living felt like HELL, I wasn't even sure if I would survive through and I definitely started to give up on my dreams. Going to Dallas was the best decision I ever had, I have my spark back... and I'm going to try my hardest to make sure that it never goes out again. I'm excited for everything that's coming up in my life, I'm so optimistic for my future again! Dear 20th year of life, please be kind to me :) and I will be concluding my day of working a 6-hour shift by going to Olive Garden with my Sherman friends (mostly old and good friends). I'm excited!

-also $430 later and a whole new plan (with tethering) on Melissa and Ben's plan, I finally rid myself of my parent's irresponsible doing. I have a brand new iPhone 4 which I LOVE so much more than my 3GS, it's just so much nicer and cleaner. I appreciate Melissa for always being here for me when I need her, and truth be told being more of a mother figure than my own mom has. I'm kind of really upset that they will be moving to Little Elm later this month, I'm going to miss being so close to them.

Oct. 5th, 2010

content.

The last couple of days has been a roller-coaster. I'm always happier when I'm out of my parent's house... I should know this already. On Friday I went to Arlington to see Micah, Jenn and Heather. That night my iphone was stolen, it's like my whole life was stolen. My life is on that phone, seriously every little thing. It's so funny at how easily I took it for granted. And I don't think anyone understands... that was the first thing that I ever bought with my own hard earned money. That was the first thing that I was solely responsible for. I paid my phone bill every single month by myself for a year (and only am not because my dad is buying my Nikon D60 by paying my phone bill for 5 months) That phone being taken away is like the loss to the independence I had. It's my most prized possession besides my computer, I don't know how I'm going to be able to survive without it much longer. Thank god for my sister Melissa, because I won't have to much longer. She's going to pay me $200 this week for watching Brittanie, attempting to potty train her and washing her dishes. I'm not so stressed out about my economic situation now. I love my sister, she understands me more than anyone else in the entire world. Saturday night I got the best news I have EVER received! I am officially A Face For Radio's tour and merchandise manager! I'm so excited to be able to work for them, and I think they are excited to work with me too. They had an interesting performance at midnight... haha, I'll definitely never be bored with these guys, and they'll keep me on my toes. Tomorrow I start back to work at Rue 21, I'm really excited but nervous at the same time. I turn 20 years old in 5 days. I will no longer be a teenager. I'm still a little bit of a late bloomer, but I will be getting my license ASAP. I'll need a car or license even if I move closer to Dallas/Arlington. I hope that things run smoothly for the rest of October and I get my iphone by Friday. Even-though things have been going kind of shitty, I'm still very much content with my life.

living in Dallas for that month has transformed my life in so many ways, it was exactly what I needed to do.

Aug. 1st, 2010

(no subject)

I just want to tour. I just want to work in the fucking music industry. GODDAMNIT.

Jul. 4th, 2010

hope.

It's fourth of July, I'm sitting on my couch eating pizza and watching movies alone. I'm just kind of dissatisfied with how my life is at this point. I mean, I live a somewhat interesting life, but it's never continual. I have a lot of badass experiences, but they never sustain. I can't help but think that if I had a license and a car, that none of this would be a problem. I lack motivation. I lack the motivation to actually get my license, to save money, to get a car, to start networking better, to actually do something with my life! I'm about to be 20 years old in a couple of months... and I have no direction toward my life whatsoever. Yesterday was Warped Tour, it was the best day of the entire year. Carolyn and I had VIP. Everything about yesterday just felt right, I just know that's where I'm supposed to be. I just need to find the motivation TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! I will do this, I fucking promise I will do this. 2010 will be my year, mark my words. I will follow my dreams and will be happy again!

I have feelings for someone, someone that I've always had feelings for. Someone that will always constantly be on my mind, someone that I will compare every other guy to and sadly, someone that won't ever feel the same way about me. I've only felt this strongly about one other person my entire life and I was fifteen... I would love to be in love with him. It's been three years... I don't know what to do about it except do nothing. Maybe one day, maybe...

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Jun. 23rd, 2010

where I see myself in three years...

I see myself sitting on a broken-in couch in a shitty but home-y house/apartment with a big grin and a red cup in my hand. I see myself sitting in a circle, smoking a bowl with my best friends with an English Bulldog sitting next to me. I see that my stuff is packed because the next day I shall be on my way to California because warped tour starts in a few days. I see myself sleeping with a attractive grungey shaggy long haired boy with massive amounts of facial hair. Physically, I see myself covered in a few more tattoos, healthier hair and a tad bit skinnier. I see myself happy and perfectly content with the life I'm living. 

 

I'm going to try my hardest every single day that this becomes my reality. It will, I know it will. I wouldn't see this every single time I close my eyes if it wasn't going to happen. I will be happy again, I just know it. 

Jun. 14th, 2010

today is a good day.

"there is no doubt in my mind anymore that music, working with bands and live shows is what I should be doing"

I know that this is what I love, this is what I am passionate about and this is who I am and who I want to be. I hope this summer will be my little step into this industry. I want this, I've always wanted this. How do I always forget? 

keep moving forward.

I don't think anyone understands how worried I am about my future. Am I going to be happy? Am I going to succeed? Am I going to find a way on tour? Am I ever going to find the person that I feel completes me? I'm so worried that nothing will go how I want to. I'm worried that I'll never live up to my dreams and expectations. I'm worried that I'll die at a young age and won't experience half the things that I want to do. I just hope everything works out. I know I'm just a late bloomer and somewhat depressed right now? Everything will be fine, I just need to believe that it will and go with my gut.

the universe has a way of unfolding itself as it should...

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Jun. 8th, 2010

growing up...

all I want in the entire world is feel as if I'm finally growing up. I'm turning 20 in about 5 months and I still feel like I'm 12 years old. it's ridiculous. I don't even know what to do to feel grown up. I need to drive, I need to have a REAL job in the music industry, I need to be out of my parents house, I need to just be independent. I don't know how to do this at all! I want to go on tour. I don't know how to obtain it, especially since I can't drive to Dallas whenever I want to network and merch in Dallas. UGH!

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May. 28th, 2010

(no subject)

I'm becoming the person that I've always envisioned myself. I'm so close that I can taste it.

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May. 27th, 2010

this is the beginning.

if I could tell my 19-year-old self one thing, it would be: "don't give up bitch, you've got a long way to go" -Lady Gaga

I'm currently sitting in my living room watching phineas and ferb while babysitting Brittanie. I haven't really ever used my livejournal as a real journal, so I think I'm going to start today. It's been almost a year since I've graduated high school. I still do not have a license and have no direction toward my career. I want to work in the music industry, specifically the touring aspect of the industry. I'm not really sure how I'll go about doing what I want to do, but I'm hoping things will work out. Dad finally has a decent job after about 10 months of not having one and I'm pretty sure they will finally be getting a new car after about 7 months of not having one. It's been a rough time... but the night is always the darkest just before dawn. I've been doing fine though, I got my first job at Rue 21. I bought my iPhone, my MacBook, Ray-Bans, everything I want, and I've started tanning two weeks ago. Things are going decent right now. I've recently been attending shows more regularly than I have been in the past months. I feel like everything is falling back into place. It feels like my life is coming back. I'm still trying to lose these last 25 pounds and trying to feel comfortable with my appearance. I'm still having a terrible time in the relationship department, as always. I've gotten further than I have ever before this year, but it's still not where I would like to be. Regardless, I feel really good about this summer. I think it will be everything I've been wishing for....hopefully.

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